As you all know, it's been quite some time since I have been able to write anything of substance. I wrote a poem a few weeks ago but it kind of sucked and wasn't really the wording I wanted. It seemed to me that my words might be lost forever. It was painful for me to even consider putting anything to "paper". Those of you that are close to me know that my writing is a great source of healing and expression for me; I've felt a bit lost without it. And I was really ok with that because I've felt pretty lost for awhile anyway.

Today, this morning, I was inspired like I haven't been for quite a few months. I got the title from an email and this phrase just kept going over and over in my head, that I've been "lost in the undertow", still am, really. I know I never give an explanation for things that I write, I just post the words and let them out into the world to do what they will. But today, today I felt like explaining. I don't know when I'll write again, but the 5 minutes that I spent writing this, with the words just flowing perfectly from my fingertips; it was the best 5 minutes of my life over the last 2 months.

Lost in the Undertow

Once I was deemed a brown eyed deity,
A goddess, The One who had always been there, waiting
Now those words haunt me
They taunt me in my dreams
They invade those moments in the light of the day
They send my purpose and resolve whirling down the drain, you see
Everything was lost in the undertow

Head bobs above water,
I look around, take stock and put my dreams on the butcher block
Recreate, commiserate, sometimes invigorate
For every ounce of light there is an equal amount of dark
It lurks in the shadows
I know how to keep the dark at bay
Sometimes I just choose not to, because
Everything was lost in the undertow

I learned to navigate the solitude
Learned to seal up the uncauterized wounds
Wounds that bleed and dump unfulfilled dreams in the garbage bin
The washed-up dreams that could make me a has-been
Every message in this universe I want to take in
But all I can hear is the sound of my soul screaming from the dissection
The dissection that occurred from the parting, when
Everything was lost in the undertow

A survivor I'm called, a moniker given long ago
Pulled out of the closet along with the armor
The tools to rise again, stronger, brighter
That's what everyone sees, the smile so bright
The love so real, but little do they know
I move about, a doll with a smile and no soul,
Because it was given away, you know, and there it is
With Everything in the undertow.