The Art of Happiness I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had started reading this book, Art of Happiness, based on a recommendation from my friend Josh. Not only is Josh one of my oldest friends and knew me "when", I can always depend on him for sound advice based on his knowledge of "me"; while some people just talk to you and tell you things that are unhelpful and have nothing to do with you or your experiences. Anyway, Josh recommended to me that I read The Art of Happiness. He recommended this several months ago and has gently, yes gently, reminded me at each twist and turn and stabbing pain I've confessed, that I really, really, "hey you, no, seriously, you really need to read this book!"

I hear you, man, read the book, I get it. Josh wasn't the valedictorian of our high school class for nothing (no, really, he's brilliantly smart AND covered in tattoos, and for some reason that lends credibility for me). This book is amazing, and can I tell you? I'm only about 75 pages into it. Yes, me, the speed reader, has taken a full 3 weeks to read 75 pages. It's because I've read these same 75 pages over and over and over again. Seriously.

I'm still struggling with ups and downs and regulating my moods. I'm still finding myself a bit overwhelmed at some curveballs that have been thrown at me. For some reason, though, I'm ok with this uneasiness that I feel. I'm ok with this weepy feeling that I keep having come over me. I mean, for someone that didn't cry for over 10 years, I'm probably due for some tears at inappropriate times. Tears that I can't really explain, you know? The reason I'm ok with all of this and I'm starting to get more comfortable with the ideal of the unknown in that tunnel on this path of life that I'm walking I think has everything to do with the one revelation that I'm taking from those scant, but oh so important pages. What is that revelation, you ask?

Are you ready for this? It's really quite simple:

Happiness isn't so much a state of being, but a way of life.

Yeah, stick that in your craw and chew on it awhile. When it hits you, I promise you'll never feel the same in your own skin again.

I picked up a book today, it's callled Succulent Wild Woman by SARK. I can't tell you how uplifted I feel. So much of it so reaffirming to the changes and journey I've been making and on over the last few years. I kind of wish I'd had this book years ago, but really, it's possible that I would never have really "gotten it".

There is an excerpt from the book that really hit me. She says "one of the ways to arrive at succulence and wildness is to allow the parts that aren't. I will list some of my faults and weaknesses in the hopes that it might inspire you to do the same. Letting it be seen takes away its power". Damn. So true. I was just having a chat this morning with a man I consider to be succulent and wild and he was revealing these parts of himself to me. Revealing yourself to those you trust (and perhaps later on, just to everyone) is very cathartic and it helps those around you to understand your motivations and fears and shortcomings.

I'm going to do this very publicly today. It's rather difficult for me to admit my shortcomings. I do admit them to myself and sometimes to those closest to me, but it's really hard for me speak them. Almost as if speaking them tarnishes me and makes me ugly(er). But here goes:

I am a shy, introverted, obsessive compulsive, at times either overly or not sensitive enough, highly distractable, disorganized in my mind, woman. I suffered through sexual abuse (in a relationship), losing a baby, losing my ability to have more children, losing my mind, nearly losing my life, losing my religion, losing myself and losing my family. I sucked as a wife to the only man (so far) that ever fully committed to me; his only fault was not being what I needed. I checked out of my life at a time when I could have had so much fun with my daughter and only recently checked back in full time. I treated my parents with a terrible amount of disrespect when I was younger; and even though they did nothing to earn it either, this contributed to my being a terrible human being for several years. I am a master at self-deprecation. I have weird habits and rituals that affect no one when done, but affect everyone if I'm kept from them. I am a picky eater to the point that it's almost a disorder, I drive too fast, trust too easily and tend to lose sight of what I should be doing for the things I like to do. I let my daughter eat Ramen noodles too many days because I simply don't have the energy to fight with her about her diet; I figure she'll figure out when she feels like crap. I don't take my vitamins like I should, I hate milk and am addicted to red meat and cheese, in large quantities. My hair has to look great or I feel ugly and it really affects my day.

But you know what? With many of my faults laid bare (b/c you can bet those aren't all of them), there are still so many things about me that are great, and I'm very blessed to really know those things!

I am also: fiercely loyal to my loved ones, smile at everyone nearly everyday, give all of my self to everyone I love, possess an intellect that belies my farm school upbringing, am a voracious reader and absorb knowledge like a sponge. I love freely and give openly. I'm honest and do not lie, although I am soft about telling the truth to those I know can't really handle it. I'm very confident in my abilities. I'm a great writer and have a gift of using words to paint a picture of what I'm trying to say. I'm magnificently sexy; and I know that doesn't just come from my physical appearance. I am good at nearly everything I set out to do. I am a very understanding mother; I talk to my daughter and give her the benefit of the doubt most of the time, I value her opinion. I fixed the relationship with my parents and am working on the one with my extended family. I'm learning to try different kinds of foods. I made things right with my ex-husband and we have a great friendship. I turn from things that are un-healthy for me, even when it's painful to do so. I recovered from the abuses I suffered and am now a highly functional sexual being. I forgave myself for my losses, and also those that perpretrated those losses upon me. I no longer hold bitterness and anger inside of me. I am usually a calm person and do not let what others think of me affect how I approach myself. I am succulent, and I am wild, and I do not apologize for it.

There are a few things that I know I need to do to take myself to the next level of being. These include: taking up yoga, giving up soda, regularly remembering to take my vitamins, eating a breakfast I made before I leave for the day, getting at least 7 hours of sleep per day, continuing to write even when inspiration isn't always there, staying more in tune with my loved ones and being a more consistent disciplinarian with my daughter.

Kind of a long list, but you know what? That's ok . . . I got all of the time in the world, because I am looking forward to a fabulously lived life.