It's no secret that I drive, well, A LOT. At least 2 hours in the car, every single day. I see some crazy things, needless to say. This morning on the way to work I'm just moseying along, about 15 miles above the speed limit, on I-465. I notice in my rearview mirror this lady just flashing her lights and tailgating me to the extreme. I was in the fast lane and I guess doing 70 in a 55 wasn't enough for her. There was a truck in front of me, or honestly, I would have been going faster. What was I supposed to do? Move over so she could speed up for a millisecond and then slam on her breaks again? She continued to flash her lights and make faces at me. Seriously, make faces at me. On the interstate. When I could do nothing about the car in front of me. She finally crossed 2 other lanes of traffic and proceeded to weave around other cars. The fact that I just reacted to her with a smile and a shake of my head and I didn't feel any sort of flame of anger made me realize OH MY GOD, I THINK I MIGHT BE A GROWN UP.

A few moments later I noticed that she'd got behind some other slow moving vehicles as the little truck in front of me and I passed her. That's when I realized that I may be a grown up, but I'm still capable of kiddish pleasure; as we passed by I was totally thinking to myself I LOVE YOUR CRAZY BLUE EYESHADOW.  (and yes, that was sarcasm you detected)

Have a good day, babies. I intend to.

The Art of Happiness I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had started reading this book, Art of Happiness, based on a recommendation from my friend Josh. Not only is Josh one of my oldest friends and knew me "when", I can always depend on him for sound advice based on his knowledge of "me"; while some people just talk to you and tell you things that are unhelpful and have nothing to do with you or your experiences. Anyway, Josh recommended to me that I read The Art of Happiness. He recommended this several months ago and has gently, yes gently, reminded me at each twist and turn and stabbing pain I've confessed, that I really, really, "hey you, no, seriously, you really need to read this book!"

I hear you, man, read the book, I get it. Josh wasn't the valedictorian of our high school class for nothing (no, really, he's brilliantly smart AND covered in tattoos, and for some reason that lends credibility for me). This book is amazing, and can I tell you? I'm only about 75 pages into it. Yes, me, the speed reader, has taken a full 3 weeks to read 75 pages. It's because I've read these same 75 pages over and over and over again. Seriously.

I'm still struggling with ups and downs and regulating my moods. I'm still finding myself a bit overwhelmed at some curveballs that have been thrown at me. For some reason, though, I'm ok with this uneasiness that I feel. I'm ok with this weepy feeling that I keep having come over me. I mean, for someone that didn't cry for over 10 years, I'm probably due for some tears at inappropriate times. Tears that I can't really explain, you know? The reason I'm ok with all of this and I'm starting to get more comfortable with the ideal of the unknown in that tunnel on this path of life that I'm walking I think has everything to do with the one revelation that I'm taking from those scant, but oh so important pages. What is that revelation, you ask?

Are you ready for this? It's really quite simple:

Happiness isn't so much a state of being, but a way of life.

Yeah, stick that in your craw and chew on it awhile. When it hits you, I promise you'll never feel the same in your own skin again.

Ya'll may have noticed that I'm blogging a lot today; it's also been one of the most productive days for me. I think the reason is these short little breaks and then getting back to work and hammering things out. I'm feeling very productive today and not focusing at all on a few little problems I need to work on. I'm finding they are working out on their own. Funny that this little tidbit came through my email box as my Daily OM Advice. I find acts of service to be wonderfully therapeutic; it's as if in giving to others I'm also giving to myself. A lot of times I find that what was bothering me was actually trivial or that it resolves on its own. Since taking this new(er) approach, I don't stress as much or have as many meltdowns or times where I'm feeling terribly anxious. I've been a much more calm force to those around me due to these practices:

April 14, 2008
Solace In Service
Doing For Others

When we feel bad, often our first instinct is to isolate ourselves and focus on what's upsetting us. Sometimes we really do need some downtime, but many times the best way to get out of the blues quickly is to turn our attention to other people. In being of service to others, paradoxically, we often find answers to our own questions and solutions to our own problems. We also end up feeling more connected to the people around us, as well as empowered by the experience of helping someone.

When we reach out to people we can help, we confirm that we are not alone in our own need for support and inspiration, and we also remind ourselves that we are powerful and capable in certain ways. Even as our own problems or moods get the better of us sometimes, there is always someone else who can use our particular gifts and energy to help them out. They, in turn, remind us that we are not the only people in the world with difficulties or issues. We all struggle with the problems of life, and we all feel overwhelmed from time to time, but we can almost always find solace in service.

In the most ideal situation, the person we are helping sheds light on our own dilemma, sometimes with a direct piece of advice, and sometimes without saying anything at all. Sometimes just the act of getting our minds out of the obsessive mode of trying to figure out what to do about our own life does the trick. Many great inventors and artists have found that the inspiration they need to get to the next level in their work comes not when they're working but when they're walking around the block or doing dishes. We do ourselves and everyone else a great service when we take a break from our sorrows and extend ourselves to someone in need.

I have posted about The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran before. I've been thinking alot the last couple of weeks about Pain. Pain shapes us just as much as love, joy and honor; sometimes it shapes us more. A few weeks ago I spoke of some great personal pain to my dear close ones two days in a row. It was a bit emotionally taxing on me and I opted to keep that pain out in the forefront of my mind so that I might deal with it a little better and help to put it to rest, rather than to stuff it back in the trunk, only to be taken out and examined when I deemed necessary. I'm happy to say that I feel it dissipating, slowly yet strongly.

Whether pain has been an elusive friend or a constant companion to you, I think what Gibran says about Pain in The Prophet is very wise. I've copied it here:

And a woman spoke, saying, "Tell us of Pain."

And he said:

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.

And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;

And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.

And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.

Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquillity:

For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,

And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.

I honestly can't tell you how much I buy into the whole horoscope hoopla. Dawn gives me little tidbits sometimes that are dead-on, so I've been a little more open to it. I like the organization of it, the idea that yes, there are millions of souls born all of the time and there needs to be some sort of system for what we are made of in order that the nature of the world might be on an even keel. I don't think I've ever heard it put quite that way, but that's how I look at it. I just don't think we always follow or all of it is true; because after all, we were born with our own free will, and we as humans tend to eff things up royally sometimes. Don't we?

Regardless, Dawn turned me on to the Daily OM and I have subscribed to their daily email. You can do so by going to Daily OM. Here is what my email said today, and it is very, very appropriate for conversations I've had with several loved ones over the last week:  (oh, yeah, I'm Leo the Lion.....Hear me ROAR!!)

April 14, 2008
Comfortable In You
Leo Daily Horoscope

You may be plagued by self-consciousness in your home and in your workplace today, leaving you unsure as to whether you should give voice to your thoughts and feelings. Feelings of discomfort may interfere with your ability to enjoy pleasant social interactions, causing you to shy away from group or social activities. The fear that others will ridicule your opinions may even throw you off center. Yet casting off your uneasiness may be as easy as making a concerted effort to be yourself, regardless of the circumstances in which you find yourself. You?l likely be happily surprised to discover today that people in the various spheres of your existence react warmly when you expose your true character.

Interpersonal interactions become a joy rather than something to be feared when we are willing to be ourselves, gladly allowing others to see us for who we truly are. Self-consciousness is often the result of our attempts to play roles that require us to deny the very qualities that define our individuality?e get mired in dread, concerned that others will reject us when they discover the truth that is us. When we accept that we are unique and are comfortable with ourselves, we no longer feel compelled to hide all or part of ourselves to please others. In opening ourselves to others in this way, we can revel in the pure pleasure of relating to people comfortably and honestly without trepidation. You?l lose your self-consciousness today when you cast off your masks and let your true self shine.

I picked up a book today, it's callled Succulent Wild Woman by SARK. I can't tell you how uplifted I feel. So much of it so reaffirming to the changes and journey I've been making and on over the last few years. I kind of wish I'd had this book years ago, but really, it's possible that I would never have really "gotten it".

There is an excerpt from the book that really hit me. She says "one of the ways to arrive at succulence and wildness is to allow the parts that aren't. I will list some of my faults and weaknesses in the hopes that it might inspire you to do the same. Letting it be seen takes away its power". Damn. So true. I was just having a chat this morning with a man I consider to be succulent and wild and he was revealing these parts of himself to me. Revealing yourself to those you trust (and perhaps later on, just to everyone) is very cathartic and it helps those around you to understand your motivations and fears and shortcomings.

I'm going to do this very publicly today. It's rather difficult for me to admit my shortcomings. I do admit them to myself and sometimes to those closest to me, but it's really hard for me speak them. Almost as if speaking them tarnishes me and makes me ugly(er). But here goes:

I am a shy, introverted, obsessive compulsive, at times either overly or not sensitive enough, highly distractable, disorganized in my mind, woman. I suffered through sexual abuse (in a relationship), losing a baby, losing my ability to have more children, losing my mind, nearly losing my life, losing my religion, losing myself and losing my family. I sucked as a wife to the only man (so far) that ever fully committed to me; his only fault was not being what I needed. I checked out of my life at a time when I could have had so much fun with my daughter and only recently checked back in full time. I treated my parents with a terrible amount of disrespect when I was younger; and even though they did nothing to earn it either, this contributed to my being a terrible human being for several years. I am a master at self-deprecation. I have weird habits and rituals that affect no one when done, but affect everyone if I'm kept from them. I am a picky eater to the point that it's almost a disorder, I drive too fast, trust too easily and tend to lose sight of what I should be doing for the things I like to do. I let my daughter eat Ramen noodles too many days because I simply don't have the energy to fight with her about her diet; I figure she'll figure out when she feels like crap. I don't take my vitamins like I should, I hate milk and am addicted to red meat and cheese, in large quantities. My hair has to look great or I feel ugly and it really affects my day.

But you know what? With many of my faults laid bare (b/c you can bet those aren't all of them), there are still so many things about me that are great, and I'm very blessed to really know those things!

I am also: fiercely loyal to my loved ones, smile at everyone nearly everyday, give all of my self to everyone I love, possess an intellect that belies my farm school upbringing, am a voracious reader and absorb knowledge like a sponge. I love freely and give openly. I'm honest and do not lie, although I am soft about telling the truth to those I know can't really handle it. I'm very confident in my abilities. I'm a great writer and have a gift of using words to paint a picture of what I'm trying to say. I'm magnificently sexy; and I know that doesn't just come from my physical appearance. I am good at nearly everything I set out to do. I am a very understanding mother; I talk to my daughter and give her the benefit of the doubt most of the time, I value her opinion. I fixed the relationship with my parents and am working on the one with my extended family. I'm learning to try different kinds of foods. I made things right with my ex-husband and we have a great friendship. I turn from things that are un-healthy for me, even when it's painful to do so. I recovered from the abuses I suffered and am now a highly functional sexual being. I forgave myself for my losses, and also those that perpretrated those losses upon me. I no longer hold bitterness and anger inside of me. I am usually a calm person and do not let what others think of me affect how I approach myself. I am succulent, and I am wild, and I do not apologize for it.

There are a few things that I know I need to do to take myself to the next level of being. These include: taking up yoga, giving up soda, regularly remembering to take my vitamins, eating a breakfast I made before I leave for the day, getting at least 7 hours of sleep per day, continuing to write even when inspiration isn't always there, staying more in tune with my loved ones and being a more consistent disciplinarian with my daughter.

Kind of a long list, but you know what? That's ok . . . I got all of the time in the world, because I am looking forward to a fabulously lived life.

Ok, I’m a fairly closet American Idol watcher. (Randy Jackson is a dumbass and I want to punch him in the face). This performance last night was effing brilliant. Loved it!

There is no denying that Johnny Cash has an amazing version of this song and so do several others. But ya’ll know that Dave is my favorite musician in the ENTIRE FREAKING WORLD. An amazing song by TWO amazing men. Seriously, I have goose bumps, so glad that I came across this treasure today:

I'm coming out of the closet in this writing today. You see, I've been lying to myself, and to you, all of these years. My life has been a wondrous meandering through the halls of pain and glory. I've made many changes and come to many conclusions. The last few years have been a joyful few; a journey into my mind, heart and soul. I've come out on the other side a grown up, yet a child. My life is so full and colorful and I've learned so many things.

One constant mantra of mine has been this tough sort of philosophy that I've carried. Sure, love really is my religion; I've proclaimed it enough, live it wholly. But I've also been waving that banner of 'progressive woman'. I've learned my likes and dislikes, I've had a long relationship and quite a few dating experiences in between break-ups. One thing I concluded was that I didn't believe in the fairy tale, there was no One for me. I doubted that any one man could ever satisfy me, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically. After so much searching on my part I was convinced, and proclaimed to many, that this was the case. I had accepted it and was relieved by that acceptance. I had made specific friends that would support this philosophy of mine; acquaintances that would cater to all facets of me so I would not be left wanting. I felt no real complete loyalty to any one man. I was free to do as I please.

The problem is that I was still left wanting and I was not free. I was not fulfilled, I was not really happy. A few weeks ago I realized this and spent time with myself, thoughtfully. I said aloud "this is not working for me". And then it came to me, I do believe in fairy tales. Any word that I speak or thought that I have that does not support that belief is counter to every cell in the core of my soul. All of my declarations that I am just different and that I don't believe, they are crap, lies.

So, I'm coming out of the closet. I do believe, and I believe that there is a One for me. I believe that fairy tale for me is written in the universe. It's a scary thing coming to that conclusion. It's a scary realization that every spark of intimacy that I allowed with anyone other than the One was taking me further away from Him. I believe that there is One that was created just for me. You don't have to believe that for yourself, you don't even have to believe me. But I am here to tell you, this realization is so uplifting to me, so freeing.

I was soaring after realizing this for myself. I determined that I would wait. I would sit and wait. Let the universe speak to me, let the skies send me the message written in the clouds, let the ground send me messages written in the dirt. But messages I would receive! I started sharing almost immediately and was quite shocked at the response. I think I've been called everything as close to an idiot as you can get over the last few weeks. I've had people basically tell me I'm delusional, these same people that proclaimed me as smart such a short time ago. Perhaps they only thought I was smart because my thoughts agreed with their own beliefs, I do not know. Perhaps I'm being too uncharitable, but I was not expecting that in my saying that I was claiming my dream for my own how several people in my life would tell me that it was not achievable. People telling me that love like that doesn't exist. It's ok, though, I was there once not too long ago, I understand. It does exist, though, it exists and it thrives in so many places, you just have to be willing to be open to it and see, to have sight for the first time.

To those that believe in me and that see, and that know right along with me, I thank you. This may not be the most eloquently written missive I've ever published, for sure, it isn't, but I'm ok with that. For those of you that do not believe in my dream, that think I have my brain in the sky, I say that's fine. I'll be content floating here, dreamily, loving and conquering my life for my own, and I'll support you in your life anyway. Because that's what I do…..and nothing can stop me now.

Updates on this life of mine to be broadcast after this quickly scheduled commercial (i.e. living) break………..

Lover Lay Down

Spring sweet rhythm dance in my head
Slip into my lovers hands
Kiss me wont you kiss me now
And sleep I would inside your mouth
Dont be us too shy
Knowing its no big surprise
That I will wait for you
I will wait for no one but you
Oh please lover lay down
Spend this time with me
Together share this smile
Lover lay down
Spend this time with me
Walk with me, walk with you
Hold my hands your hands
So much we have dreamed
And you were so much younger
Hard to explain that we are stronger
A million reasons life to deny
Lets toss them away
See you and me we
Lay down look see
She and he
By my lovers side
Together share this smile
Lover lay down
Oh please oh please
Please lover lay down
Oh please lover lay down
And you weep lover lay down
Cause its over lover lay down
Say love, say love, say love, say love, say love
Could I love you
Could you love me
Darling its all the same
til we dance away
Chasing me all around
Leading me all around
Leading me all around in circles
Say.......

~Dave Matthews Band (my favorite version is from Live at Luther College)

 One of those songs that the words speak for themselves.